Attachment Knows No Biology

A small, 10x10 NICU room has been my 2nd home for nearly the past 3 weeks. This is my view from the vantage point of the rocker recliner, as I rock, feed, love on, and cuddle our foster baby.

Not pictured: lots of wires, a monitor that incessantly beeps, alarms that ding, an uncomfortable vinyl sofa, and a thermostat that doesn’t actually control the temperature in the room. ❄️ There are medications every 3 hours and feeding times that feel like they come so soon after the last one. I’m both bored and I’m busy at the same time.

I sat with one of the Neonatal Nurse Practitioners this morning and talked about what the plan will be for the next few days. I struggle with feeling as though I have no place to ask too many questions, make suggestions, or express my opinion and desires. This is nothing that anyone at the hospital has put on me- this is my own insecurity and fear of judgement. Like, “Who is she and what does she know?” But I know if this were my own child, I would feel differently.

I choked back the tears as we talked this morning.

They tell me he’s a different baby when I’m not there.

I was staying with him during the daytime but yet he was struggling with nights. Then I began staying the night with him, and now he has good nights but struggles during the day.
During the day, the nurses tend to his needs, cuddle him, love on him, and even take him for stroller rides. (They are seriously so amazing.)

But here’s the thing- out of all of the awesome care providers he has and the people in his life, there has been and is only one constant. That’s me.

I’m not his blood. I can’t honestly even say I love him like a mother loves her child (yet), but what I can say and do feel is that I’m committed to him. I love him for the human being that he is. From the moment I said, “Yes” to the phone call, I was committed. It’s how I do things- all in or not at all.

And that’s the thing about attachment. It’s not defined by or limited to biology.

When people say they could never be foster parents because they’d get too attached, I understand what they are trying to say. I do. They’re saying it would be hard. They are saying it would hurt. I believe it. I can see that now. But, that’s the point of fostering.

The most significant relationship in a child’s life is the attachment to their primary caregiver- biologically connected, or not. Attachment and connection are so vital to brain development, emotional regulation, and our ability to form and maintain relationships.

If you foster- or parent- or live- without attachment, you’re missing the whole point. We can have all of the basic necessities, but if we lack love and attachment as children, our ability to feel secure, to be able to express emotion, to adjust, and to form meaningful relationships, will suffer for the rest of our lives.

Even in 3 short weeks, we can look to this little guy and see the power of attachment.

I shared my thoughts this morning- It’s my belief this baby needs to be home. We need to be home. It’s time. Very soon the morphine will be stopped, and once it’s stopped, the clock will start a 72 hour countdown. That 72 hours will be a test to see how he does without the morphine and assure us that he can be at home. It’s not uncommon for a baby to need to be “rescued” by being given a “rescue dose” of morphine, when withdrawal symptoms get to be too much. The downfall is that if a rescue dose is given, the 72 hours starts all over.

The prayers we have been covered with are so appreciated! It’s my prayer that this will not be our view for much longer!

💙