Sunday, February 27, 2011

Jude- A name synonymous with Hope

As Glen and I were lounging together watching the Oscar's, someone during an interview mentioned the actor Jude Law. Funny how the mind has the ability (and very often does so...) to connect seemingly irrelevant information and circumstances to other events in one's life, connecting miscellaneous information to personally relevant memories. It immediately brought back memories of my mother praying to her favorite saint- Saint Jude, the patron saint of lost causes and cases of despair. I see her before the Green candle with St. Jude's face emblazoned on it, glowing from the flicker of the lit candle, atop that antique dresser.Thinking of it now, perhaps I know why he was her favorite saint... it was the most applicable to her life. Though all of that is for another blog, which maybe I will write someday.

I have those memories, as a child, seeing and hearing her praying St. Jude's prayer...though I had to look it up-

"O most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus- People honor and invoke you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, for I am so helpless and alone. Please help to bring me visible and speedy assistance. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly (state your request) and that I may praise God with you always. I promise, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you by publishing this request. Amen."

Perhaps, if we have a little boy, we will name him Jude. It somehow seems appropriate.

View From The Other Side

Thursday afternoon, as Glen and Aubrey were off grocery shopping, I awoke from a nap. Having felt nothing out of the ordinary, I got up to make my way downstairs and start thinking about dinner. But as I got up I felt a large gush. I thought I had urniated, but when I looked down, it was bright red that I saw, screaming out at me. My heart skipped a beat. It continued to trickle out. My heart started racing. I grabbed my phone and attempted to call Glen. But when I tried to grab the phone, I had so much adrenaline pumping and so much going through my mind, I could hardly grasp the phone. My hands had lost all coordination because of my racing mind. I was like a fumbling idiot. I tried to dial his number, yet my fingers weren't hitting the buttons I was trying to push...I was shaking so badly. Somehow in my near hysteria I managed to verbalize to Glen what was going on and needed him to come home. He left the grocery store and was home in minutes. I didn't move from the spot I was in. I envisioned passing out and him finding me on our bedroom floor. Probably my imagination running wild, but I was expecting the worst.

I knew some bleeding in pregnancy was relatively common, but this...I didn't need anyone to tell me or even a second thought, to know that THIS was not normal. I was expecting to find out I had miscarried and would need a D&C.

We got to the office and, being the emotional person that I am, I needed to have some kind of emotional primer- something to prepare me for what I was expecting we would see on the ultrasound. The ultrasound was too definitive- within seconds, if something was bad, we would know, no ifs ands or buts. So instead I had Glen put the doppler on. If we heard heart tones, I would know the baby was alive. If we didn't, I would know that I had probably miscarried, but yet there was still the chance that he just missed finding the heart tones. Does that make sense? Silly, but it was a mental preparation of sorts for me.

Of course he didn't find heart tones. He was a damn erratic, fumbling idiot. He would put the doppler on and move it two seconds later, not waiting long enough to move it slowly and precisely- never giving it the chance to pick anything up. He had it clear up to my belly button, which an 11-weeker would not be at yet, since my uterus was hardly out of my pelvis! A worried husband and father does NOT make a good doctor (Remind me to never let him operate on me...). It turns a good doctor into the said above erratic, fumbling idiot who moves about the doppler with no rhyme or reason! And so with that said, we moved on to the ultrasound...

We immediately saw the flicker of the heart beating and the wiggles and dance of the baby, displayed on the screen. The baby looked fine. What didn't look fine was the reason for my bleeding- a small subchorionic hemorrhage. In other words, a small area where there is a gathering of blood between the placenta and the uterus. Surprisngly, I was relieved. I had known something wasn't quite right, and I had been expecting the worst. While it wasn't the best news- it was still better than what I had been expecting.

So with that, we go forth...Though I'm not sure in which direction or which course of events will follow, nor how this story will play out. But for the time being we trudge forward, happy and grateful to still be pregnant.